Last week on Married... With Children:
The Bundys thought they won a free trip to England.
Whoa, England!
And the D'Arcys decided to go along.
But there's a catch for the Bundys...
... an ancient English curse that dates back to 1653.
And so that ye and all your male descendants...
...will be hated in this place forever...
...Lower Uncton shall always be in darkness.
The only way the curse can be lifted...
... is if Al and Bud are killed within the town limits of Lower Uncton.
That is the job of these two men.
But if Lower Uncton gets the sun back...
... the neighboring town of Upper Uncton will lose their tourist trade.
So these two men have to kill the Bundys in London.
And these two want to kill the Bundys anywhere...
... since they drove off with their luggage and money.
They have only one friend, the dog they left behind.
I don't care who kills them, as long as they come back in a box.
And now Married... With Children continues.
Boy, is that good.
Gentlefolk?
Listen, when we said "all expenses paid"...
...we didn't really mean a river suite at the Savoy.
I'll have you know, sir, that we are accustomed to the finer things in life.
- Mom, what's this? - It's a fork, honey.
Oh, cool.
I guess somebody should have told that toilet the Yanks were coming.
You know, family, Salem here...
- Winston. The name is Winston. - Like it matters.
Anyhow, we are guests in his lovely little country...
...and since he is paying the tab...
...let's go easy on the guy and curb our expenses.
Thank you very much, young philistine.
You know, honey, except for the fact that you and the kids are here...
...this is like a second honeymoon.
Come look at the view with me, sweetheart.
There is something so infectious about this country.
I can just feel the class rubbing off on us.
Hey.
It's a vegetable.
Listen, you like rolls, do you? Or what do you folks call them, "humma"?
Is that it? Listen, Lower Uncton is the home of humma.
Who's with me? Yeah?
Hey, now.
All right, Bundys, you're dead.
What?
- Room service. - Well, we didn't order anything.
This is compliments of the house...
...for spending £5000 in one day.
This is a delicate French dessert called A-bomb.
You must eat it very slowly, particularly the males.
The Savoy. At last, we found the Bundys.
Now we can get our luggage and our money and enjoy the trip.
Yeah, come on!
Here you go, my good man.
So once again, I'd just like to thank you...
...for being so very, very careful amongst all these valuable antiques.
Hey, look here, kids, my hand is stuck in a vase.
Oh, my hand's stuck in the vase. Help me, help me... Just kidding.
Hey, hey. Look, here's a place we haven't been yet:
"The London Dungeons." I wanna see something scary.
Well, then take a look at this.
Hey, Menthol...
...where in this burg can a man get a copy of Big 'Uns?
Big 'Uns?
Yes, well, in this country we call them booby rags.
There you go.
Well, let's go see some sights.
But first, since we have to get some gifts for the people back home...
...everybody loot something valuable.
Let's go, come on. Oh, I like this.
Killed a fish, let's go.
We're just Americans. Why'd they run?
They must have been French. Takes so little.
Hey, it's Jack the Ripper.
I think it's moving.
Of course he's moving, Kel, he sees a harlot.
Daddy, I think the statue's moving.
No, it's not. Now, don't be scared. Here, watch this.
See that? If it were alive, I would have just broken its neck.
No man could have taken that without screaming.
Come on, pumpkin, let's go.
I'm bored. Let's go spend some more of Winston's money.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Excuse me, sir, that will be £5000, please.
- For the... - I didn't forget to pay, did I?
- Easily done, sir. Easily done. - Sorry. Right.
Where's that £5000 then? Got it here somewhere.
- Here's the money from the village. - Brilliant. Well done.
- Where did you get the money? - We sold your farm.
You what?!
We're ready to go to Lower Uncton now.
Well, mole-boy, "arevadouche." Here's where I leave you.
What are you talking about? We're going to Lower Uncton now.
Not me. I didn't come all this way to spend my vacation...
...in a one-whore town. I'm a city girl, and I'm staying right here in...
Wait, where are we?
- London. - Exactly.
And you don't think Mom and Dad will notice you're gone?
Nope, it's all been taken care of.
Well, pumpkin, what do you think of London now, huh?
Good, good.
Here we are. This is where you'll be staying.
Our own castle.
Isn't it awfully dark for noon?
No, not for England.
Oh, Al, our own castle. It's just like out of a storybook.
- Isn't it romantic? - Yeah, sure, babe.
Listen, Smokey, I want separate rooms...
...and I'd like a guard outside of mine, please.
Don't worry, sir, we know exactly where to put you.
- You hear that, kids? - We hear you, Dad. Right, Kel?
I sure hope this place is heated...
...because it'd be a damn shame to come all this way to catch our deaths.
You get it?
Follow me, please, and I'll show you to your quarters.
Let's go, kids.
- Al, have you seen Kelly? - Bud's carrying her.
Bad news. We can't hang them until tomorrow.
- Why not? - The scaffolding's not here.
We had to sell some of the wood to buy nooses.
Oh, yes. And what do you plan to hang the nooses from?
Well, we've thought of that.
We're gonna have two of our taller fellas hold them.
I don't wanna hear any more. Right, we're just gonna have to stab them.
But the village children were so looking forward to a hanging.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, the children.
I think I'll buy one.
What is this thing, Dad?
Well, son, this being England and all, I believe it's...
And correct me if I'm wrong, Igor.
- Stonehenge.
Blimey, you nearly had it there, sir.
Actually, this is the speaker's podium for the festival tomorrow...
...at which you and your son will be our honored guests.
You see that, son...
...even the English know that men are better.
Yes, right this way, please.
You know, I feel right at home here. I think I could stay here forever.
Me too, Dad.
You know, Al, since we're in a castle, crown me, baby.
What the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for the whole trip.
All right, Peg, go ahead and say it.
- What am I, baby? - You're the king, baby.
- Make me believe it. - Well, who's gonna make me believe it?
Oh, all right.
You're the king, baby.
Good enough.
Excuse me. Some of the area children would like to have...
...their pictures taken with you. - With me?
But I'm just a regular joe that played high school football...
...scored four touchdowns in one game.
Last city championship Polk High ever won.
I understand. Bring those starstruck young'uns in.
Come on, kid.
There we go. See how they love me, Peg?
Say your prayers.
All right, out we go. Come on.
There we go.
You see, Peg, you gotta give something back.
Can you feel the history in the room, Peg?
Oh, I know.
You know, Igor was telling me that they say Bud's room is haunted.
I didn't tell him, though. You know how jumpy he is.
Well, good, because what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.
- Beware. - You will die in the morning.
Run.
- Run while you still can! - Wanna buy some shoes?
Just a moment, gentlemen.
Hey, how come only you get to eat the candy bar?
I was the one who found it.
Yeah, well, I'm the one who pointed out the baby who was holding it.
Well, maybe next time you'll have the guts to do something about it.
Well, at least we'll be warm tonight.
Warm and entertained...
...thanks to these free theatre tickets those nice people gave us...
...instead of food or money or lodgings.
Hey, I've never heard of this show before.
They say it's the longest-running show in London's history.
Tickets, please. Thank you.
Bad Americans.
Must be Shakespeare. Taming of the Shrew, I believe.
Would you like a drink or a spanking?
They say there's a girl in there with the prince.
Miss?
- Hey! - You're not allowed to wear it out there.
Only with me.
Miss, there's a gentleman wishes to speak with you.
Well, I'm kind of busy with the prince.
Well, he says it's about your family.
I never should have had parents.
Miss Bundy, I felt I should warn you...
...about a dastardly plot against your family.
- "Dastardly," "dastardly." - It means "bad."
"Real bad thing."
"Family go bye-bye"?
You must get them out of Lower Uncton before sunrise...
...or a terrible fate will befall them.
- "Befall them." - They will die.
Then I must run like the stocking. How can I thank you, kind stranger?
By bringing your family to Upper Uncton.
You don't have to tell me twice.
Where?
Upper Uncton.
Will Kelly ever find her family? Will the male Bundys survive?
Was Brooklyn Bridge really worthy of an Emmy?
We'll answer two of these questions next week on Married... With Children.